Reason To Live
by allwalkfree
Summary: In which Akutagawa meets a 7 year old Dazai and tells him what he would have liked to hear.


Akutagawa didn't know exactly how he'd ended up here in this particular moment, in this particular time. He'd touched something he was sure. A falling object? _Him and Dazai-san_, then it had glowed and right in front of Dazai-san widening eyes, he'd disappeared.

Dazai-san had said something. Shouted? Akutagawa couldn't tell, but he hadn't heard.

Just vanished.

And now he was here. Staring up at what was undeniably Dazai-san. A tinier, more wide eyed, more scared, but undeniably Dazai-san.

"Are you suicidal," the kid snapped, looking at him like he was insane where he was bopping up and down in the cold polluted river water.

Akutagawa snorted; coughing lightly into his shoulder. The irony. The kid glared in turn, and the hellhound just shrugged. "No," he answered mildly, looking around curiously and noting how he was still in the same city, Yokohama.

The past then?

Abilities didn't affect Dazai-san, so he couldn't have been turned into a child, and if he was, why weren't they still in the warehouse?

'_I'm in the past,'_ he concluded with a slightly more assurance swimming closer to shore and hauling himself up on too thin arms and on even thinner wrists. He coughed.

"Are you ok Mr?"

Mini Dazai-san didn't sound concerned, more curious really.

Of course he did.

Akutagawa shrugged, glancing down at him. "That depends," he mumbled.

"On what?"

"If I can get home."

Brief flash of disappointment skimmed across the kid's eyes. "Oh," he said. "Yeah I guess you have to leave now." The jacket he was wearing was too big on his too tiny shoulders, his eyes light but still fighting back shadows unseen. He looked young, scared, alone.

_Small_

"Not right now," Akutagawa blurted out before he could really think through his words. His stomach twisting into painful knots just by looking at his former mentor. "I need the break anyways."

'_Why?'_ he thought as the kid sent him a beaming smile that could hide the sun itself. _'I don't want to stay. I don't want to talk to this Dazai-san.'_

But-

He frowned at what appeared to be the seven-year-old version of his mentor. _'I don't want to leave either. Not yet, not until-'_

"Why are you here kid?"

Mini Dazai-san shrugged, kicking his feet around, letting them skim across the water surface as he sat down with a flurry of movements. "Hiding from my dad."

Akutagawa took a short intake of breath. "Oh."

"Yeah," the kid smiled up at him where Akutagawa had taken to sit next to him in his wet cloths and tired body. "It's not too bad all the time," he said loudly; like he was trying to convince himself. "But it is what it is. It doesn't really matter anyways, I'll kill myself before he finishes the job. Less painful that way."

Akutagawa's eyes stung. He pursed his lips. "You could run away?" The words tasted like ash on his tongue._ 'You ran away,'_ the traitorous words whispered in his ears. '_What good did that do you.'_

"Naah," Dazai-san shrugged. "I don't mind. Just when it gets too much. Besides, it's interesting."

"What so interesting about fucking abuse," Akutagawa snapped without thinking, unable to hide the bitterness in his voice.

The kid looked up at him curiously. "Speaking from experience?"

Akutagawa snapped his mouth shut and turned away from him. He couldn't look him in the eyes. Those too wide eyes on too young face._ 'He's almost the same age as you were when-' _He shut that thought process down real quick.

"Not really," he breathed. "Mine had a purpose."

The kid gaped up at him. "There's no purpose in abuse mysterious water-man."

A startled laugh escaped Akutagawa's lips, and he snapped his head back in the kid's direction. He was still looking up at him. Mild curiosity mixed with humor shining in his eyes._ 'He's so much easier to read now,' _he thought absentmindedly. Somewhere deep down; where his heart used to be, hurt at that observation. _'What had rubbed that openness out of your eyes Dazai-san?'_

"Then why do you stay kid?"

"I told you, I find it interesting. His reactions, his reasons, my mother's excuses. It's all so fascinatingly human."

Sighing, Akutagwa leaned back on his arms and looked up at the evening sky, the red and orange draping over them both like an old friend. "You're weird kid."

"I get that a lot."

Akutagawa snorted. "Can I ask you something?"

Little Dazai shifted in his position next to him. "Sure," he'd said. Turning around fully to face him as he spoke. Head tilted slightly, making bruised cheek quite visible where the sun hit his face.

Akutagawa in turned moved too. Now they were face to face, legs crossed and knees almost touching. "Do you want to die?"

The kid didn't even contemplate the answer for a second. "Yes."

Akutagawa's stomach lurched. "Why?"

"There is nothing to live for and I'm curious about death. Maybe it will welcome me with more life then life itself. Do you want to die?" The question was asked mildly, but there was something behind those brown eyes. Something more old and much more tired.

Akutagawa swallowed. "No," he whispered.

Mini Dazai-san flinched back in confusion. "Why?"

"I found a purpose to live."

The kid bit his lip in thought, a string of powerful and confusing emotions flittering too fast across his eyes to decipher. "How do you know when you've found your purpose?"

"You don't."

"Then how do you live till then? How do you make sure it's enough?" The question was nothing more than a soft whisper in the air. Spoken as if the fear of speaking it into existence terrified the younger.

Akutagawa exhaled. His chest hurt, he coughed. It didn't let up. It felt like he couldn't breathe. _'Have you always felt that way Dazai-san,' _he thought. _'Have you always questioned your existence like I do. Like Jinko?'_

"Sometimes," he started slowly, desperate to get it right for reasons he didn't know why "when it's too hard to live for yourself you can live for someone else. Just for the time being just till you have a reason, a _strong_ reason to carry on."

The kid blinked, a watery glint in his eyes. He looked vulnerable. _'Like Gin' _his mind whispered. He could say anything now. He knew with full certainty that he could say anything to the kid right now and Dazai-san would believe him. The thought was sickening. He didn't want to do that to him. He wouldn't even do that to the Jinko. It hit too close to home.

"I don't have someone else," his young mentor whispered. "I don't have _anyone_."

_I had Gin_

Exhaling loudly, he scrunched up his nose. "Then you can live for me in the meantime," he blurted out. Akutagawa didn't know why he'd said it, had no reason or thought process behind it at all. All he knew was-

He'd had Gin.

He knew _love_ because he'd had Gin.

Dazai-san hadn't had anyone. No one and nothing at all.

Mini Dazai-san looked up at him incredulously. "I don't even know you," he scoffed; his words coming out wobbly and the tiniest but unsure.

"No," Akutagawa muttered. "But you will. Someday down the line, you will. So till then, I'll be your reason to live. Until you find your own, I'll be your stepping stone."

Soft tears were trailing down the kid's gaunt cheeks and Akutagawa had to force himself not to try and brush them away. Dazai-san still had No Longer Human, touching him would probably send him back to wherever he'd come from. He couldn't do that, not until he said what he had to say.

"What's your name Mr?"

He blinked. Should he tell him? Would that mess up the timeline? Would Dazai-san even remember this, or would it all be forgotten as soon as he left?

"Atsushi."

The words tasted right on his lips.

For the first time in forever, Akutagawa said that name with something that wasn't hatred. Atsushi. Jinko. If anyone could save Dazai-san from himself it was the weretiger. "Keep going till you hear that name."

Mini Dazai-san looked confused as hell, but Akutagawa had said what he wanted, and he couldn't linger here any longer. "Wait for Atsushi," was his last parting words.

Before the kid could protest against the dumb and very useless answer, Akutagawa impulsively leaned forward and wrapped both arms around the kid's back, bringing on hand to rest atop of his brown locks.

Dazai tensed, and Akutagawa breathed. "You have to go?" The kid pressed his cheek into his shoulder as he asked the question. Tiny childish arms coming up to circle his waist.

Swallowing thickly, the older male nodded quickly. "Yeah, I do."

The arms around him tightened even more. "Don't go." He'd never heard Dazai-san so vulnerable, so scared, so alone.

"I'll come back," he muttered, eyes stinging even as the effect of No Longer Human took a hold of him and started to drag him back. "You'll find me, so please don't cry. We'll find each other, and you'll give me a reason to live."

That was the last he saw of the kid.

His tiny frame trembling in his arms as he was forcefully pulled away from the tiny child by the riverbank. The tiny child who bared his soul to him. The tiny child with too wide eyes and just enough hope in his eyes to make Akutagawa want to protect him.

When he next opened his eyes, Dazai-san; his Dazai-san was hovering over him, mild sense of curiosity framing his eyes. Akutagawa swallowed down the bile rising up his throat. "You ok down there Akutagawa-kun~"

He didn't even think before he acted. Not paying attention to the Jinko, Chuuya or any of the other members of both organizations lingering around them. He reached up and promptly dragged his former mentor into a hug. The startled sound that escaped past the ex-mafia member was almost funny, but Akutagawa didn't have it in him to laugh at that. "I'm happy you found a reason to live," he whispered into his shoulder. "I'm happy you found Atsushi," before he quickly let go and got back on his feet.

Leaving a very confused Dazai-san sprawled on the floor.

Chuuya-san looked at him like he'd just lost his mind. "Are you suicidal," he snapped.

Akutagawa paused-

Then burst into an uncontrollable laughter. Oh the irony.

* * *

I desperately wanted them to have a conversation, but it just didn't seem likely for Dazai (where he's at now) to address anything of any sort, and Akutagawa has been too damaged by him to ever un-tense and listen to him. This conversation was born out of mostly being a beginning to an understanding between them both. A younger Dazai wouldn't make AKutagawa as scared or defensive. Plus he would get a better look into his mentor's old mindset.

I'm not trying to justify any of the shit Dazai did to Akutagawa, but I wanted Aku to see a more clearer picture into a less guarded Dazai's mind. Maybe they can finally talk and Aku can realize that Dazai isn't a God. That he's human and shouldn't be held on a pedestal. I don't know, kinda made me emotional just writing it. Plus, Aku thinking Atsushi would be Dazai's salvation rather than him (it's Oda ok) hurt me on a fundamental level.


End file.
